Alfred- “Excuse me, can I please talk to you for a minute?”
The Moose – “Uh huh, sure. You know, you look kinda familiar.”
Alfred – “Yeah you do too, but I just wanted to know, do you know somebody named? Oh, you know her name.”
The Moose – “Oh yeah, definitely, I know her name.”
Alfred – “Well, I just want to let you that she’s mine.”
The Moose – “Huh, no no, she’s mine!”
Alfred – “You need to give it up. I’ve had about enough. It’s not hard to see, The Girl is mine. I’m sorry that you seem to be confused. She belongs to me. The Girl is mine.”
The Girl and The Moose* had a grand old time. They shared stories and secrets while cuddling in bed, however, it wasn’t long before their good time came to a screeching hault.
“Alfred! … This isn’t what it looks like, let me explain –“
*The Moose wishes to remain anonymous.
After that stunt Alfred pulled, The Girl was angry.
The Girl decided to take a break from Alfred and made a new frand.
Oh Alfred, what will you do?
“What are you doing?” The Girl asked, furiously, but she already knew.
“I’m getting us money, what did you think I was doing?” Alfred responded.
“THAT IS NOT A GOOD THING YOU DO!” The Girl said, in all caps.
“Why not? Think of all the things we could buy! We could buy bikes and slinkies and video games and all kinds of toys! We could buy –”
“BUT THAT WAS MY SAAAVIIINGS!” The Girl cried.
Since Alfred was watching over The Girl all the time, they became great friends quite quickly. They took naps together, they listened to stories read by The Mother together, but aside from that one time they experienced flatulence simultaneously, that is all they did together, because as you remember, The Girl was boring. She was three months old.
Alfred was not three months old. It is a mystery how old he actually was. Does this make him a complicated man? Complicated or not, Alfred had needs. He needed to eat, he needed to party, and he needed a way to make money. His job didn’t pay much. In fact, it paid nothing at all, at least not monetarily. He took a moment, and with this moment, he formed thoughts in his head.
Just like that, he had an idea.
“Wish me luck!” he shouted to The Girl as he dove head first into the couch. The Girl had no idea what he was doing, but she didn’t really care to figure it out, either. She was dancing.
“Dance dance dance. I’m in a diaper. Dance dance dance. It is cow print.
Dance dance dance. I’ve got a shirt on. Dance dance dance. It is bright orange.
Dance dance dance —”
Before The Girl could finish her song, she realized what Alfred was doing. The Girl stopped dancing.
Author’s Note: The Girl sang her song to this tune: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tll8k9QHnX4
After they got home from the hospital, Alfred realized he needed to step up his game. He didn’t let the girl out of his sight. He watched her while she was eating. He watched her while she
played on her tummy time mat laid motionless on the floor. He even watched her in her sleep, like a creeper. He looked away while she was getting changed, but he remained in the room, for good measure.
Hours and hours passed by while Alfred and The Girl were still at the hospital. Alfred didn’t really understand why they were there. He had a tendency to space out when the doctors were talking about things that were difficult to hear, with words that were difficult to understand. Alfred began to look around the room for clues. There was a TV playing an awful movie with blue people who had no clothes, but that didn’t help Alfred any, it just made him want to sleep. There was a mirror on wall. Alfred scuttled over to check himself out. Suddenly, there was a whistle. It cannot be determined whether or not that whistle came from Alfred himself.
Alfred kept on looking through the room. He found many things he knew from home, and a few things he didn’t. The most interesting thing he found was this tall… thing. It had a monitor on top, wires every which way there was, and only four legs. “Hah!” Alfred scoffed. The most fascinating feature of this thing was the bag of red goop attached to both it and The Girl. “What is this?” he wondered. He knew it from somewhere. He had seen it before.
“Is this Kool-Aid? … Can I have some?”