Since The Father was gone for The Girl’s first Halloween, The Mother didn’t feel too inspired to do anything special. While she was still pregnant, she bought a Pikachu hat for The Girl and had a yellow onesie to go along with it for the hokey holiday. Within seconds of being all snapped up in that onesie, however, The Girl pooped all over it, and thusly became Pinkachu.
The first true snowfall of the year came fast and hard on October 30th. The Girl had never seen snow before. She was clearly filled with wonderment at the sight.
Six months, ah, what an age. It’s half a year, you know, and, it’s also when it becomes totally tubular to stop breastfeeding. Everyone knows, and you should, too, that the hands-down best nutrition for a baby is only good for the first six months of their lives. After that, all of that milky goodness goes sour. The shop shuts down, the baby’s body stops accepting all of the nutrients in the breastmilk, all at once.
… Except that’s not true at all. Back when The Girl was just a little baby, many people sadly believed this due to formula companies’ advertising schemes and gimmicks. The Mother, and Alfred, can only hope that the world has opened its eyes by the time The Girl has her own babies.
Right before her six month anniversary, The Girl started her transformation into an entirely new baby.
About 10 days before The Girl turned six months old, The Father had a two month long class to attend in a far away land known as Georgia. The Mother joked that The Girl would start teething, learn how to crawl, and basically be a huge handful while he was gone.
The Mother is always right, especially when it comes to things she does not want to be right about. Within days of The Father’s departure, not only did The Girl start popping two tiny little bottom teeth, but she also started attempting to crawl, one small knee step at a time.
The Girl had, at this point, gone two and a half months without a transfusion. Her hemaglobin and hematocrit were low, but her behavior didn’t indicate such. It seemed to The Mother that the little baby who slept all of the time due to lack of energy from her blood disorder was a baby of the past, and The Mother was just fine with this.
Of all of her recent changes, perhaps the most stunning was The Girl’s foray into fashionable eye wear.
Try as he might, Alfred couldn’t get a mustache to grow. His clothy arms couldn’t reach to his face, and even the fake stick-on mustache kept falling off.
“Maybe you should hide in plain sight. You know, blend in with the scenery,” Mr. Bear offered.
“Uh…” Mr. Bear gaped.
“What? I’m dinner!” Alfred said, jovially.
“You know that The Mother has actually eaten an octopus before, right?” The Girl questioned.
“A whole octopus?” Alfred was shocked.
“A whole octopus,” The Girl answered, casually. “In Okinawa, she had it all the time. Says it’s mooshy. Are you mooshy, Alfred?”
Mustache, oh Mustache
You rest above my lips
Trimmed and perfect with curly tips
Mustache, oh Mustache
In the Fall, when the skies are gray and the leaves turn brown
It’s you mustache that saves me from a frown
In the Summer, when the heat burns all day
You shade my chin from the sun’s intense rays
In the Winter, when the snowflakes fall
It’s you mustache that keeps me warm most of all
And in the Spring, when the flowers start to bloom
It’s you that guides me to their sweet perfume
The Mother was furious. In a tempestuous move, she yanked her dress off of Alfred and stormed upstairs. “When I come back down, you had better be gone,” she yelled.
Alfred didn’t know where to go, nor did he know what to do with himself, now that he wasn’t watching over The Girl.
Time passed, and Alfred grew lonely. It had been forever since he last saw The Girl. He checked the clock. It had been 10 minutes. Stealthily, he snuck back inside. Immediately, he began looking for a place to hide himself, but The Mother ALWAYS kept the house SO clean that he found it a challenge.
Alfred hid inside some shoes.
Alfred hid behind a chair.
Alfred hid under the couch.
Alfred made his way upstairs.
Alfred climbed up into a drawer.
Alfred hid in some underwear.
When he was certain the coast was clear, Alfred made his way to The Girl’s nursery. He waited patiently for her to show up, and when she did, he called a meeting. This meeting consisted of only three members: Himself, The Girl, and Mr. Bear. Mr. Bear was invited for his cunning, sharp-as-a-tack mind.
“We’ve got to figure out a way to make The Mother invite me back in,” Alfred started.
“Good luck,” snorted Mr. Bear, “I gave her the stank eye in a picture she took of The Girl and I, and I haven’t been in a picture since.”
“I have an idea,” The Girl said.
“We will get you a mustache.”
Sometime during the fall of 2011, Alfred vanished completely from The Girl’s life. Or did he?
Let’s rewind a bit. It was the evening of some day that was around the time that Alfred left. Actually, it was the day he left. There was a swanky dinner party that night. Anybody who was anybody was set to attend.
Alfred had arrived early, already seated in his predesignated place, a chair that belonged to the most prestigious table in the joint. Seated at that table was Cookie Monster, Mr. Bear, and Minnie Mouse. This was the table to be at. Things were going quite well for Alfred that night. Everyone laughed at his jokes and everyone complimented his appearance. He was quite proud of the outfit he had selected for tonight. It had been in the closet for months, stowed away for such an occasion. Surely, no one else would have the same garment as he did.
Except for maybe The Mother, whose closet he stole borrowed it from. The only thing Alfred could think to say was, “Who let you in?”
Even though he didn’t like to admit it, sometimes, Alfred needed a break from The Girl. He needed to do things like bathe, eat, and other, private things he also doesn’t like admitting. He turned to The Mother for assistance, but she was too busy also not getting a break.
It was time to track down The Father.
Even though The Father didn’t get to spend as much time with The Girl, or with The Mother, for that matter, he did enjoy being around her. Who wouldn’t? The Girl was fun in a can, and that can was used up, she was still so beautiful.
One of The Father’s favorite things to do was to cuddle with his baby girl. He was the first person to do so, as a matter of fact, but only because The Mother was physically incapable of doing so after her C-section.
This would be something that The Mother would recall with anger or jealousy, but she couldn’t help but smile when she remembered the moments that followed The Girl’s birth. Things didn’t exactly go as planned, The Girl did arrive fashionably early, 6 weeks fashionably early, but everything worked out for the very best.
After The Girl was pulled from the depths of The Mother’s uterus – but not without leaving SOME POOP IN THERE – she was whisked away to the NICU. The Mother saw nothing of her but a tiny little foot, or was it a hand? The Mother still cannot recall. Whatever it was, it was not a face. The Mother felt relieved to know that at least her preemie had a fully formed hand or foot, as it was all she would see of her precious little baby for almost an hour.
The Father, having forgot that The Girl was born moderately premature and therefore needed to be transported immediately to the NICU, had a minor freak out session. The Mother likes to refer to this as his Batman moment. He ran down to admitting, screaming and hollering WHERE IS SHE? like The Girl was being held hostage in some shady little room somewhere in the city of Gotham. After he flat out insulted one nurse, he finally got to hold her. It probably felt like years in between the time she was born and the time that he got to hold her. It was probably minutes. Single digit minutes.
When he did FINALLY get to hold her, everything else faded away. The sunlight became brighter. The snow started melting, and the world became a better place. The Father wasn’t aware of these things, however. All he could see was The Girl. All of those months of having to take care of The Mother, the weeks of being terrified due to The Mother’s cholestasis, all of that was over, and all of that was worth it.
This Is Alfred 