Monthly Archives: December 2011

NYR

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“It’s almost the new year,” Alfred said, “what’s your new year’s resolution?”
“To be awesome,” The Girl paused, for effect, “and to try new things.”

The Girl began early by trying some avocado.  Being the generous girl that she was, she made sure that her shirt tried some, too, and the floor, and she tried to get Alfred to have a taste, but he was not interested, or close enough, for that matter.

It seemed as though The Girl liked the avocado at first, but…


Evidence would suggest otherwise.

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Santa, Baby

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The Girl and Alfred fell asleep soon after the picture was placed.  When they awoke, they saw that Santa did indeed arrive.

The Girl got some new toys and new clothes and new books.
Alfred got an oyster with tickets to that thing he loves, and Old Spice, of all things.

Ohhhh Saaaan-taaaa

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Dressed in their Christmas best, Alfred and The Girl waited patiently for Santa for all of five minutes.  They began to pace the living room, wondering if he had gotten lost.

“He’s the first stop here, he couldn’t have gotten lost,” Alfred reasoned.
“Of course he didn’t.  He skipped over us because YOU WERE NAUGHTY.” The Girl said, accusingly.
“So, anyway,” Alfred began.
“So anyway, nothing, I’m tired.  I’m going to bother The Mother until she feeds me, and then I am going to bed,” The Girl spat.
“Wait, you were good this year,” Alfred squeaked. “Maybe we should leave a picture of you looking innocent by some milk and cookies.”

After the picture was placed, Alfred took a good look at it.

“You … You don’t look innocent at all.”
“That’s the point.  It’s a warning.”

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Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring… except for Alfred.
The stockings were slung by the nightstand and chair,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

 

If you won’t come forward, Alfred will.

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It was the season of giving, and Alfred knew exactly how to get back in The Mother’s good graces.  He knew when she was being good, and he knew when she was being bad.  One of the times she was being bad is when she was taking pictures.  They were dimly lit and very grainy, but Alfred understood that it wasn’t entirely her fault.

He made his list, and he checked it twice.  The next morning, The Mother awoke to a $275 Amazon gift card, with a note that commanded enjoyment of a particular Speedlite she had been eying.

If you look closely in the picture, you’ll see that she has been eying it, literally.  Well done, Alfred.

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In enough time to celebrate The Girl’s first Christmas, The Father returned home.  Alfred was no longer the man of the house, which was a relief, because he wasn’t very good at it.

He never drove The Mother around.
He wasn’t interested in watching any movies.
He didn’t offer to cook or clean.
He refused to change diapers.
He made himself scarce when bathtime rolled around.
He didn’t help hang the new shower curtain or install the new towel rack.
… He didn’t do much of anything, really.